


These Walls Between Us

by Galaxy_productions



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, WARNING: Cutting does become a topic in a few chapters, as well as ptsd
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-06-02 03:52:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6549445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galaxy_productions/pseuds/Galaxy_productions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi gets trapped outside the wall on a mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. sitting on a wall

I sat on the wall, staring out into the night. Searching for some sign that Heichou was alive. No. He has to be alive. I glanced behind me at my friends. They sat by a campfire. I could hear their laughter from my spot on the high wall. It had been weeks since Levi went missing, everyone believed he was dead but me. "Come on Levi." I stared into the darkness, hoping for something, anything, that would tell me Levi is still alive. I waited for hours. The sun started to rise and i stood, deciding maybe i was wrong,maybe he really is dead. My heart clenched. I'll never see him again. I'll never feel his mouth or body on mine again. I won't be able to stare into his eyes and tell him i love him. I won't be be able to hold his hand as he lays next to me. I won't be able to take him on journeys outside the walls. My knees grew weak as tears rolled my cheeks. " Levi!" The scream left my body as my legs gave out, i fell to concrete . "Please Levi! Come back to me!" I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Eren?"


	2. Talking With the Horse

I looked up at the horseface, angry at being disturbed. "what?" He knelt next to me. "I know what you're going through, Eren." I glared at him. " how can you possibly understand this Jean? Besides, Levi is fine." He stared out at the outside world. " I thought that too Eren. Then i found my boyfriend leaning against a wall, dead." He sounded like he was crying. Instantly i felt bad. "sorry. I forgot about Marco." He waved it off, as if it didn't hurt. " It's fine. I know he is still with me, Taking care of me like only he could. Anyways, I know that Levi well enough to tell you that if he is still alive it's only because of you. You give him hope and i know he is kicking ass to get back here to you." Jean wiped away my tears with his sleeve and smiled. "But nobody wants you to sit up here all night, every night beating yourself up over him. Okay? I'll watch tonight, And Connie is watching tommorow night. You don't have to this alone." With that he stood and reached down to help me up. " Thanks horseface."


	3. Levi?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WROTE THIS LISTENING TO A GRET BIG WORLDS SAY SOMETHING AND I WAS BAWLING. TYPE TROUGH THE TEARS.

It had been four days, at least, since that conversation on the wall and i was lying in bed, knowing full well if anything changed Jean would get me. The now colorless world was bothersome and dull.My color was gone, and i din't know if i would get it back. At midnight bells clanged and Jean ran in excitedly, "Eren..." i was already out the door. He ran after me as i raced to the large gate. I saw the choppy black hair and felt tears roll down my cheeks. "Levi" I started whispering the word like a mantra, getting louder with every step. He heard me and turned. His steely grey eyes met mine and i could see the tears welling in his eyes. He smiled weakly, as if even that brought him pain. " hey shitty brat." I reached him and threw my arms around him, pulling him into a hug that he returned. "Miss me?" I pulled out of the hug and planted my lips on his. He smiled into the kiss. He tasted of blood and salt, an interesting flavor for such a neat freak. I pulled away and saw the tear stains left through the dirt on his face. "I guess so." the world was vibrant and bright.......................

 

 

for a moment or so.

 

 

Levi dissipated and the darkness swallowed me.

 

I woke up, my pillow soaked with my tears. I curled into a ball and let the sobs overtake me, knowing the only time i could cry is now. I cried silently, careful not to wake up any of the guys, I had never felt so weak as i did in that moment and i knew it wouldn't be the last time i felt that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the pain i have caused.


	4. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> proceed with caution

With morning came Erwin. The barracks emptied quickly leaving the two of us. "Eren," I moved to get past him, not wanting the speech, but his large body blocked the only exit," We need to talk." I tried to push past him. He grabbed my wrist, causing me to wince visibly. "If you don't mind I'd like to get breakfast if you don't mind, sir." He gently pushed me back into the room. "And stare at your food or push it around so it looks like you've eaten? You think that's helping anyone? And then there's these," He rolled back my sleeves, revealing the self-inflicted scars." What would Levi say if he saw you like this? Reduced to a sack of skin and bones, half dead. Levi wanted better fo-" I pushed the commander. "Don't talk about him in past tense!" My teeth clenched as I fought back tears. Erwin shook his head. "I'm sorry Eren but it's time for all of you to face the facts," he moved to leave," I thought you'd like to know that a search party went out today to find Levi, or what's left of him, last night." Every bit of my froze, my heart clenched. " who- who left?" He glanced at me with pity. "You know Eren." My knees felt weak. "Jean, Mikasa, Bertholdt, and Reiner. Jean said he doesn't want you to go through what he did. He wants to find Levi." Erwin left and I collapsed, I don't know if it was from shock or something else. My last thought before the dark consumed me was how stupid that horse face was.


	5. THIS IS WHY OU LISTEN TO YOUR COMANDER KIDS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I went over it in last chapter but Eren was also dealing with self harm. Because of the pain of losing Levi. I hate myself for this story. Please forgive me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm. so it's getting hard for me too keep posting because my mom is too Christian to function and has banned fanfic. I am currently secretly writing this story. so if I had some one join me in this crazy it would help. let me know in the comments if you are interested in co-authoring.

Connie found me hours later, unconscious inside the barracks. I heard voices talking about me and my "condition", but all I could feel was the freedom of finally getting some rest. The black was surprisingly comforting aside from the loud talking. " I feel bad for the kid, after all he has been through.." The voice trailed off. " I know Hanji. With Levi being gone he has lost the ability to care about anything, including himself." Ymir? I opened my eyes slowly, the light blinding me. " Shhh. He's waking up." Krista. " Hello Eren," Krista's soft voice was directed towards me, the girl herself sat next to me, " How are you feeling? I mean besides being sicky." I stared ou the window. "Fine Krista. What happened?" Ymir stepped forward from th corner," You passed out from hunger deprivation and blood loss. Good job buddy." Sasha's mouth hit the floor and Connie rushed forward to usher Ymir out as Krista turned red. Ymir and Connie left leaving Krista, Sasha, and I. " Eren, i brought you something. Breaking and entering is illegal but i knew you would like to have this. For comfort." She reached into her bag and pulled out one of Levi's shirts. The smell of cleaner hit my nostrils causing tears to fall down my cheeks. "thank you. " I whispered as i took the shirt and burried my face in it, shutting myself off from the world again.


	6. Welcome to my world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how long this has taken me to upload. I reached the point where writing didn't satisfy me like it used to. but now im back. Lets roll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY. I would love to here from my readers so message me on tumblr guys. Its captain-cleanfreak. I should be the only one.

A week or so passed and the self-loathing attacked me daily. It should be me trapped outside that wall. It should be me running through the outside world trying to survive. My friends had decided I was a hazard to myself and took turns watching me. Today Ymir sat on my bed watching me stare out the door at the gates that separated me and Levi. A bell clanged and soldiers ran to the wall. I saw Erwin standing on the wall. I turned to glance at Ymir. She had moved from her place on my bed to stand behind me as the bell ran loudly. An alarm. Soldiers yelled. I could only make out a few words as the gate started to open. " Titans chasing them.... back.." My legs started to move on their own. I was running to the gates wen he walked in. "Levi." I muttered the name as the raven haired man seemed to notice me. "Eren!" He limped but he moved quickly, both of us closing the space between us. He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. I heard hollers and cheers from my friends. I was to stunned to move. Was this real? Was he really back? Or was this another dream? Levi pulled away, sensing the hesitation. "Are you real? Are you really standing in front of me?" Levi punched me in the arm. "Ow. Ow. Its real. This is real." I cupped the side of his face as I leaned in to kiss him. Finally I had him back and I was not letting him go. "Levi," Erwin approached from the side cutting our kiss short. We both turned to face the commander and saluted. "Those injuries look extensive. You should probably get looked over at the infirmary. Oh and I expect a report about what happened to you out there on my desk." Erwin turned and walked away quickly and I laced my fingers with Levi's. "Let's go brat. This leg won't fix itself."


	7. Post traumatic stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is finally back and he isn't doing to well. Can he and Eren be happy or am i just an asshole that loves seeing people in pain? Guess you'll just have to wait and see. love ya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also i am searching for a co-author. I haven't posted in a while because i can't think of what to write. its a pain i know. i would love some feedback.

I woke up to the smell of cleaner and a scent that can only be described as Levi. For once i actually got a good nights sleep; no nightmares. My body was pressed against Levi's and i felt whole again, as if part of me had been missing, i guess, in way, it had. Levi is the missing part of me. There is some strange comfort in waking up with your skin pressed against the skin of someone else that you love. It's difficult to explain just how lost i felt when Levi was gone and how i feel now with him constantly by my side. His left leg is in a cast, a nasty break from trying to escape a titan and bandages are wrapped around his stomach, covering the cut on his side. Jean and the others found him just in time, Levi was able to fend off the titans for a long time but he was losing consciousness when they found him. It took them two days to get back, titans attacking every few minutes, attracted to the smell of his blood. I was beyond grateful to my friends for keeping me alive and bringing Levi back. I watched him sleep, his raven hair falling on his face just past his nose, the under cut gone. The once heavy sleeper shot up and out of bed at every noise or movement, a wild fear in his eyes and knife in hand. It was terrible to see him like that. Humanities strongest was suddenly afraid of his own shadow and it was heart breaking. What could i do but hold him as he cried? What could i do but repeat how he was safe? How could i have been so selfish? Here i was, inside these walls with my friends, while he was out there fighting, just to get back to me. I threw my life away as if that would bring him back and he kept fighting, for me, no, for us. That's why i can no longer meet his steely gray eyes. Why i can't bring myself to look in the mirror. Because i hate what I've become. The monster i truly am.


	8. Coping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be in Levi's point of view because i want you guys to see his mindset right now. It's an intense part of their lives. Anyways i don't want to spoil anything but Levi went through a lot of trash on the other side of the wall and if you read my last chapter you know how well he is dealing with that. Here is my first chapter in Levi's point of view.

I can't sleep, everytime i close my eyes i see the horrors of that side of the wall. The titans constantly attacking, as if that's all they could do, for all i know it is all they can do. Eren slept with his arms wrapped around me and i envied him. How he could sleep so peacefully when fear kept me awake. I sat up and glanced at the snoring brunette. His shirt was bunched up exposing his stomach, as well as the twenty or so healing scars. Anger ran through my body at the sight of them. The pale white lines that littered his body. Did he think i wouldn't notice them? What was he thinking when he did that? He must have a good reason, Eren doesn't do something just to do it, no the brat has a reason for everything. Why does he want to kill the titans? They killed his mom and make him feel like humanity is a herd of cattle raised for the slaughter house. I haven't asked him about the scars because i don't know how i will react to the answer i know i'll get. I stood and walked to my bathroom to shower, hoping it will calm my nerves some. I froze when i saw my reflection. My hair had grown long and my body was extremely thin and frail. My skin sagged and my eyes looked dead. I turned away from the sight and turned on the hot water in the shower. As the scorching water ran down my body i thought about the rescue Jean and Mikasa lead to bring me back. 

~Flashback~  
I was crawling on the ground, my broken leg dragging uselessly behind me. My blood spilling onto the earth and mixing with my tears. All i could think about were Eren's green eyes and how i would never get to see them again. A titan followed me slowly, as if it was enjoying my pain. I finally collapsed, only having made it a few feet, when i heard a familiar sound. 3dm gear. I saw the glint of sunlight off of metal.The earth shook as the titan hit it. Jean appeared in front of me and slowly rolled me over to asses the damage. And i realized i would get to see Eren again.

~Flashback over~  
I jolted back to reality and turned the water off. My hands were shaking as i reached for a towel. I am humanity's strongest, this shouldn't be affecting me. I shouldn't be afraid of my own shadow. I guess i'm not the strongest anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly longer because i wanted to express everything the way i saw it in my mind and kinda make it up o Levi for giving Eren seven chapters. Sorry sir.


	9. We need to talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the last chapter Eren and Levi need to sit down and talk about what happened to each other during their separation. Levi finally brings up the scars on Eren's skin and Eren has to explain what was going through his mind when he just gave up. 
> 
> I don't want people to hate me so i will kinda sum up their conversation in the beginning of the next chapter if you don't want to read this. I'm back in Eren's point of view.

We were laying in bed, Levi's fingers were lazily tracing my collar bone. "Eren," He seemed to be at a loss for words, "Can we talk, about what happened while i was gone?" I opened my eyes and turned more towards him. "Yes. Although i'm not sure what you mean by that." He stopped tracing my collar bone and sat up. "Eren. You know exactly what i mean." His hands quickly moved to the hem of my shirt. He lifted it before i could stop him, revealing the pale marks on my golden body. "And there is more than that. Four eyes has come to check on you more than once since i've been back and something tells me it's not just a check up. Please Eren, talk to me." I sat up and reached for his hand. "You're not going to like it." He watched me carefully, willing me to speak with his eyes. "You were gone so long i was starting to give up hope. I was afraid i would never get to see you again. Levi, I was scared. I was scared i would never get to kiss you again, never get to tell you i love you, never get to hold your hand and stare into those beautiful eyes of yours." I felt tears rise to my eyes, I had to keep talking. "That fear ate away at me until i believed it was true. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, the only thing i could feel was pain. The cutting made me feel numb. It gave me an out. It might not have been smart but in its own twisted way it helped." He opened his mouth but no words came out. His hands moved to one of my wrists where he rolled the sleeve up and kissed the scars. I knew he might not be able to form the words to tell me how he felt but this was his way of showing me. "Eren... I'm so sorry. I never wanted this for us..." I felt my tears fall. "I never wanted to leave you here alone... I didn't think it was possible for me to get stuck out there, until i did. It scared me to think i might not get to tell you what i had been to scared to tell you since we started seeing each other. And now i need to say it in case i don't get the chance to say it again. I love you, Eren Jeager." Thats the first time he's ever said those words to me, it wasn't as if he didn't love me, It was the fact that he just wasn't the best with words. I kissed him softly. "I love you too Levi." He kissed me like i was his oxygen and he hadn't breathed for days.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life seems be going a lot better for the guys. It seems that love does in fact win in the end. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Or does it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the hiatus. I've been dealing with life and school starts back up in a bit and Gishwhes starts tomorrow. I have neglected my writing. I am hoping to post a new chapter once a week. But let's be real here. Also i have seen things about paragraph spacing and i'm going to work on that. It's not my strong suit. Let's do this.

I had Levi. No matter what happened i had Levi. I could count on him to always be there when i needed him.

Erwin didn't force him to get back to his job at first but he grew impatient with each day that Levi sat in his room, letting the dark swallow him. Finally Erwin got sick of it and showed up at our door. "Levi. We need to talk."

Levi glanced at me and stood to walk to the door. He swung the door open and Erwin stood glowering down at my lover. "What?" Erwin stepped into the room and glanced at me. Deciding me in the captain's bed wasn't his biggest issue, he diverted all of his attention to Levi. "Levi, I've allowed you to hide in here for a month and it has come to the point that you need to come out. You being gone affected everyone and everything. You know how dirty the barracks are?" Levi shrugged, and continued to be lectured by the commander,

Ever since he got back filth didn't seem to bother him as much. He had changed and as much as i loved him it scared me. The things that i knew about him have changed or disappeared altogether. It was like loving a stranger. I suddenly didn't know the man standing before me like i had. And that was terrifying.


End file.
